dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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