I think I died a long time ago.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
