I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
