so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
