I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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