It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
