it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
