noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
