Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I looked at my own cervix.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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