I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I have fence marks all over my body
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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