This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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