listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
