Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
