last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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