I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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