It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
