Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
sarcasm needs its own font
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
