I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
