I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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