Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
