I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
