today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Are my feet made of real feet?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
