I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I believe in your delicious
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
