Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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