If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
