Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
