Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
