headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
areolas are like halos for boobs.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
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I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
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When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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