After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
