Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
