direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
