Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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