i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
