i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
