Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
did you just send me my own nude
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
