I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
