Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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