Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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