we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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