Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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