My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
