Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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