I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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