I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
