Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Randomize
