I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
