she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
