Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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