Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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