There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
