you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
