I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
