Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
