i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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