dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
