do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
