are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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