your parents love me but you hate me
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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