I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
