I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
