I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
